SUPPRESSED ANGER

While doing the timeline ( this is what we do in the SRA - Structural Resonance Course of the Desteni I Process ) about my father, it started to be more and more visible that I am suppressing anger in me. Of course it was not easy to see it. I didn’t want to see that I am angry. I was refusing to see that I am angry. But eventually I started to “uncover” it.

I was chatting with my buddy in the morning about some points in the timeline and we started to do self forgiveness. I started to have tears. Something started to change. I was thinking about this anger issue all day.

In the afternoon I was driving the car. And I was still thinking about the anger. I thought: “…I almost never shout and scream. I was judging it as bad and a sign of weakness that somebody cannot control themselves…”. I thought: “…let see what will happen if I start to shout….???”.

And I started to shout in my car. In the beginning I was shouting a little shy. There was nobody with me in the car and nobody outside could possible hear me because I was driving. But anyway I turned up the music player quite loud. Just in case that somebody could hear it in the car that is passing by. I started to shout and scream. I did it few times as much and as loud as I could. And nothing really happened apart from my throat getting sore from it so I had to stop it.

I got home. There was also nobody there. I started to feel some movement in me and my body. My throat was still hurting from shouting. But also I started to feel anger in me. My body was a little shaking. I said that I will not block it or suppress it. I let it be and I will breath. After some time it calmed down a little. I started to work on the computer. Later my friend called me. And normally I would suppress my anger and pretend that everything is ok. But this time I have decided that I will not do it anymore. I started to tell him how I feel. I told him that I am not happy and upset for what he did to me before. It was difficult to talk because I had tears in my eyes and my throat was tensed, squeezed. It was difficult to talk but I didn’t hang up. I pushed myself to stay and talk. He also started to have tears.

Later I went to see my friend. We started to talk about what happened to me before. But the conversation was not going well. I was still tense, had a little headache and my body was still a little shaky and I was tired. He also was not well. ( and of course my throat was still sore ). I went home to sleep.

I was in bed and I thought: “…This is something new to me…”. But I knew at the same time that this is not finished yet but at least I have made few steps forward.

This is my 10th month of doing SRA course.

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