Few minutes later I went to the kitchen and I was preparing myself something to eat. While doing it I started to think about what I wrote. And I said: “..hey… wait a second…! this was not true what I wrote…!”. As a matter of fact I was upset and angry with my friend. And I was just repeating my usual behavior and pattern of suppressing and hiding the anger. I was pretending that everything is ok. There was no surprise that I have reacted in this way. But I have surprised me greatly that I have managed to notice it and decided to correct myself. So I wrote another email that I am upset and angry with him. That I feel disappointed.
It is very interesting that I was able to do it. I have changed my behavior and pattern. I expressed what I felt in the moment. And nothing really happened apart from this that I don’t have to fight with it anymore inside of me and my head.
After this event I started to see my backchat in all similar situations. I was always explaining to myself that one day he or she will understand the mistake and will say sorry for it. And instead of saying that I am angry or upset about something in the moment, I was pretending that I am cool.
But of course you cannot suppress things forever. One day it has to come out. And I started to understand, why I was super tense from time to time and I didn’t know why. This was this suppressed anger. And when there was too much of it, it was showing in my body, my face etc. and I couldn’t control it anymore. The suppressed anger was controlling me instead.
I know that I have made big step forward. I have faced my fear of showing and expressing my anger. I stopped judging it. I stopped accumulating it. I stopped suffering because of it.
This is my self realization as a result of the training at the Desteni I Process.
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.desteni.co.za
www.equalmoney.org
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